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把心靜下來﹐把雜念拋開。

當面對真正的自我時﹐當對自己坦白的時候﹐難免少不了幾聲嘆氣。

向來感性勝于理性的我﹐為什麼這一次不能忠于自己﹐大聲地說出:"不要!不要離開我!"

向來愛哭的我﹐為什麼這一次連一滴眼淚都沒有劃下?

又是為了什麼當手松開了﹐我的魂魄像在外太空被行星撞擊到八萬光年以外?

這些來的遠距分離﹐當中的再見再相聚﹐從來沒有這次來得如此難受。

在這第七個年頭﹐這默默的愛已變成公開的秘密。

20 days seemed like a blink of eye, and now am counting down for the final 4 days.

21st birthday celebrations, nice gifts, old friends gatherings, hanging-outs… So memorable, unforgettable.

Eating durians beside the road, and liar dice boozing… Remarkable events for this trip home.

Malaysia, I’m so loving it and will be missing everything.

曾幾何時我以為只要我耐心等待﹐傷痛會因時間而溜走。
多少個夜晚﹐我告訴自己:’再多一點點時間就可以被釋放…’
時間﹐真的可以沖淡很多事情吧? 因為﹐回憶似乎真的開始模糊了。可是﹐為什麼感覺依然猶新?只要思緒回到那個從前﹐只要走在那熟悉的街道上﹐心依然會痛﹐精神還是會短暫性錯亂。
已經無法回想起在心被敲碎的那一刻…之後的一秒﹑一分鐘﹑一小時甚至一天以後﹐想必我的理性也隨著風飄遠。
六個月。失去理性的那段日子﹐我的感性是否正常的運作呢?
那六個月﹐好像過得比想像中快﹐而我的淚腺分泌功能卻出乎意料地發達。
尤其在夜闌人靜的空間裡﹐眼淚會狠狠地在臉上留下痕跡。
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很多人愛問另一伴:’為什麼愛我呢?’
曾經從網路流傳電郵中看過說:’愛﹐沒有理由。不愛﹐是事實。’
我也不例外。我問了。
而那個’他’只是告訴我:’我明天會比今天更愛你。一天會比前一天愛你更多。’
原因是:’因為每一天都可以找到愛你的理由。’
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當我的理性被抹殺的那一刻﹐我很希望’他’口中的’愛’不是傷害我的理由。
對不起。當你說’對不起’時﹐我找不到為你辯護的理由。
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哭了。
聽說﹐眼淚可以殺菌﹑抗菌和抑菌。那可以把刺痛心底的’菌’殺個清光嗎? 可以抗抑未來會有機會再次來侵犯的’病菌’嗎?
如果不行的話。我找到哭的理由了嗎?
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我期待﹐有一天時間不但可以沖淡回憶﹐也會像魔術般把那時間空間從記憶抽出。
更盼望那模糊卻真實的心痛會不發一聲地離開我。
我會等待﹐继续等待那一刻的來臨。

Woohooo~! Despite the stress from awful macroeconomics theories and equations, I’m so excited of planned trip back home for my 21st birthday! Opps, though it will only happen after my final, but yes~! I got high for this idea a little (i reckon) too early~! *muahaha* Dear friends and beloved family, I’ll be back~!!!! Time flies, oh god. It was like just a blink, the day I departed from KLIA in Feb and now I’m saying of flying back again in less than 2 months! I can’t wait! I can’t wait to hug mummy, can’t wait to peck on daddy’s cheeks, can’t wait to hang around with all my beloved friends & cousins… Oh god, I have too many things to be done for 20 days in M’sia! Ok, all the macro stuffs had just gone outta my brain due to the excitement shocks of going home~! Gosh, I guess I need a better skull, better brain cells, better whatever~! Haha. Oh my.., I miss you guys, can’t wait to see you, I miss karaoke sessions, I miss pasar malam, I miss the food, I miss paying in MYR instead of AUD~! I miss M’sia~! AND I’m COMING HOME…. not now, but SOON!!!!!!!!!!

weeks after i have started uni, i’m still not engaged with it. perhaps, my timetable is too slacky. or i’m just finding an excuse to be SLACKY. my uni life wasnt content at all, unlike my friends in Msia. well, should i be glad for it? i’m just too fussy to be satisfied, HELL YES! :-p i’ve been browsing friends’ friendster profiles and photos… found some interesting, some just ’so-so’, n others shocking. some profiles just made me PAUSED & PONDERED. some have moved me and flashing back good memories i once had. i aint a good blogger, never good in describing, never OUTSTANDINGLY, SPECIFICALLY good at anything. too many unspoken words, too much hidden thoughts in me, i guess. here, i have to quote from Frank McCourt, YOUR MIND CAN NEVER BE INTRUDED BY OTHERS. well, it may not be the exact quote from his biography, but the meaning is there. none can interfere your HEAD but you. dream what you want to dream, imagination will remain yours.

有个夜晚，情绪突然低落..哭了…

F:唔…唔….
A:怎么了?
F: 我想家了…
A：想爸爸吗?
F：(摇摇头) 想家…唔…
A:那想妈妈了啊?
F:(还是摇了摇头)
A：真可怜。一定是想爸，妈和哥了噢?乖，别哭…
F: …

可是，A又怎么会明白，F口中的‘家’…是一个温暖的家，真正的家.. 家的感觉…不只是有个屋顶的房子，里面还有相亲相爱的家人等着…不一定只有欢乐，还有打打闹闹.. 那种洋溢着真正幸福的家…!

你的家，在等你吗?
有的话，你很幸福。请珍惜。

而你，没有吗?
没关系，你并不孤独。至少还有我…

mentally exhausted & physically weak. explosion did not stop inside me, n i’ve lost control over my lacrimal glands.. tears was not precious at all, though Brisbane is currently having its Level 5 water restriction. i’ve no idea, i’ve lost direction… in search of the true home, the right path to happiness…

God, pls guide me.

i stopped n reviewed. i’ve been doing all the flashback all the time. once in a while, the memories got me into tears. other times, they just made me smile n glad tht i’ve come so far. i wonder how long will be my journey ahead. i wonder what’ll b the last thing on my mind when it ends. too obsessed? i reckon it’s a yes. good things got outta my head real fast but the heartbreaking images stayed too long. i miss home, i miss my frens. i miss my life in msia. but for god’s sake, i have to go on before i get myself into depression. yes, i m too sensitive to get bothered, tht’s why sometimes i pondered where did i get the strength to move so far. what was actually underlying the force behind all those progressions? felt tired at times but courageous enough to go on at most times. i m going to get on to another stage of my life in nex few months, n i’ll b sending application to uni nex monday. i hope i’ve made a good decision that i will never regret. i wish that’s what i really want for my uni life. i’ve been hoping, hav been praying. believe it or not, i do pray. God bless me & everyone. I ain’t the one confronting heaps of problems, most do feel the same. how stupid i am to feel pesismistic & helpless if i know i am not THE ONE?

it’s time for me to say goodbye again.. to my home country… this is a point of no return, since the day i left my foot for the foreign land.. everything will not be same.. but it will go round, this is life.. but how long it goes is always a mystery.. not until you reach it.. make some noise for yourself, not for others… love yourself as you will only have strength to move on.. love yourself as it is required before you love someone else.. be truthful, to yourself, not anyone else…

i m gonna hv a chem unit test tml.. well, i m happy tht finally i hv sth to do tonite.. yeah, revision for tml’s test.. though the test wun b a very tough one, but at least i could stuff my FREE TIME for ONE NIGHT.. din expect to get high marks, cos i nv care to check after completing the paper.. same for other subj.. but who cares? even i dun.. haha.. time is ticking near for YOU who are going to sit for STPM… well, i wish the best for u guys n i pray to God. i hope every1 will b well prepared n stay calm to do the tasks… after i hv come here, i really UND how tough are STPM & A-levels.. foundation courses r mainly kindergarten’s stuffs for those who have undergone STPM or A-levels… trust me.. they r REAL KIDDIES’ works.. even maths.. owh.. i died of boredom during maths… no exaggeration! test test test.. its a good thing to have.. haha… this is the first time in my life tht i ask for more tests n more work.. *wink*

-CIAO-